Hmmmm. I'm in the faithful Moody Computer Lab, for my new apartment has no internet ... until tomorrow.

I moved into a new place on Monday. Pretty sweet. After that, I looked for jobs and got some pictures developed. Today I shall look for jobs and buy light bulbs. This life is exciting.

Blake's graduating on Saturday, and tomorrow is my dad's birthday. So, big festivity weekend in MacTown. Busy busy.

Perhaps tomorrow I'll have something more constructive to say.

K. So I'm at home in McKinney, rockin.' About 3 minutes ago, I came up with an album idea that I think is going to be incredible. I don't want to give too much away, but it might be a year or two or three before I have enough cash to record again. But dang, I'm excited. I just discovered a pattern in my latest songwriting, and realizing that pattern has "revealed" a theme for future songs. I needed that. A theme, a muse. Much excitement to-day. This is called direction, and it is good.

Because I said so

Let me tell you a bit about my week.

Monday: I leave McKinney around 6:45 a.m. and arrive in Waco at 9. At 10, I had a job interview, which I thought went pretty well. The dude said he'd call me Wednesday. Sure thing. I can wait. I spend the rest of Monday packing/cleaning/reading/etc.

Tuesday: Continue packing/cleaning/reading... I made a lot of headway in my current read, The Winter of Our Discontent by John Steinbeck. I aslo downloaded iTunes, and began the daunting task of importing all my CDs to my hard drive (slurp).

Wednesday: Awaken at 9, lie in bed until 10, staring at the splotchy paint on my ceiling. I left the apartment for the first time since I entered it Monday morning. That was at 11.

I ran some errands, and went to the used bookstore. Found two great books, and also found that the place won't take debit cards. No books for me. I had lunch at Schlotzky's instead. I returned home and continued my routine of packing/cleaning/reading and importing. I hit the "700 song" mark, finish a book, talk on the phone, and blog.

I never heard from the guy at The Compass who was supposed to call today. It's not fun waiting three days for the phone to ring, and then having to wait some more.

I tell you all this, my friends, to show that life is either dreadfully busy or so slow you want to staple your lip to the carpet. That's just what I did.

Which Michael Jackson are you?

Immersion

I went to McKinney on Saturday to play a show at Backstage Coffee Co., a pretty cozy shoppe in downtown. I got to see old friends, so that made my day.

Immediately thereafter, Ryan and I cruised around West McKinney in a new Lexus. It was high-class. Ryan showed me all the new business developments on that side of town, and I have to say, I was a bit imtimidated. McKinney has become the ultimate suburban mecca. Frightening. I was particularly amused by the socioeconomic contradiction that is the "upscale" Wal-Mart.

I spent Sunday afternoon in a big bowl of nostalgia, air guns and fried fish. Jared and I hauled it out to the farm for some fishing and target practice. We came back to the house and played poker with Blake, all the while debating philosophy and the legitimacy of Darwin and Freud. Then we ate the fried fish, delightfully prepared by my mother.

Then art and creativity fought for my attention - and won. I purchased Michael Jackson's "Number Ones" album yesterday, and I was blown away by the genius blasting through my car stereo. Amazing. I'd forgotten how much I was obsessed with "Beat It" and "Black or White" in second grade. Props to the world's weirdest man.

10:30 p.m., Sunday. Jared left after dinner, and Blake began a phone conversation. I had the strong urge to watch Disney's "Alice in Wonderland" animated classic. So I did. And it was brilliant.

It had been maybe 10 years or more since I've last watched that movie - It was incredibly interesting to go back and look at it with analytical and appreciative eyes. The colors, the characters, the animals, the story progression - all were either genius or halucinagenic. I decided that I need to watch this movie directly before I got to sleep each night - for the rest of my life. I'll become a creative beast.

Another hot item - John Steinbeck's "The Winter of Our Discontent." I've already read it for an hour and a half today. Here's a quote that made my heart skip a beat...

"If a thing's true, or even if it ain't true and you mean it, sing out."

Dive into something this week.

Whitetrash fun every Friday night! I shall return soon for more exhaust fumes, mullets and nachos.

Angels sang

I just received a call from "Brent" at The Compass. He wanted to set up an interview with me for 10 a.m. on Monday. Everybody, get excited, and keep those fingers crossed. I'm counting on you, Compass.

Changes

As you can see, I had to join the "new and a lot cooler" blog template club. Everyone else's were looking way better than mine. Fixed that.

This is kind of entertaining.

I just wrote a really amazing, and friggin' long blog, and it somehow deleted itself. Murphy's Law strikes again. Here it is in a nutshell...

I had a really crappy morning, looking for jobs. I got so depressed and saddened about my summer plans and the dead-end drudgery of my life right now. So I quit the Exxon job.

Next: people are life-savers. I spent the afternoon hanging out with a variety of friends who will be leaving very soon - my despair was turned into the highest joy.

Amist the enjoyable pain of falling down stairs, and the surreal feeling of jumping off a cliff into a beautiful lake, I realized that these people, these friends of mine whom I love, are worth the struggle. People bring relief to a dreary world, and it's worth getting through a disgusting day to hear the laughter of those who mean the most to you.

Friends - thank you for the joy you've given me. You are worth fighting for.

Chain of events

It started out a normal day. I woke up this morning exhausted, broke and jobless. I rolled out of bed, showered, and met Jason and the other new FBC youth staffers for breakfast at Cracker Barrel. We discussed the game plan for our summer youth schedule, and we enjoyed some great biscuits and eggs.

Step two: Arrive back at my apartment, and gather 2 semester's worth of books for re-sale at Rother's. I then filled out a job application.

I hung around here for a while, then my boy Jason Weaver walked in. He was overjoyed, having just taken his last college exam ever. I told him, "I'm about to go turn in an application and sell some books back." "I'll come with you," he said.

Fast forward - 10 minutes: I walk into the Garage Coffee Haus, an old car wash turned coffee shop, where I had played many a show before. There is a job application in my hand. The date "June 16th" is written in black ink on my arm. I ask the blond-turned-brunette behind the counter for Joseph, the manager. She makes a phone call. "He's coming," she said.

Enter Joseph - a portly good 'ol boy, on whose shirt is printed the emblem of his gas station, attached to the Coffee Haus. I give him my best "I'm really confident so give me a job" handshake. He looks over my application, explaining to me that the Coffee Haus doesn't have any openings "right now."

Just my luck. I'd never had luck getting jobs, and today seemed no exception. Dissapointed, I asked him to book a show at the Haus on June 16th. He gladly consented.

And that was when things got freaky.

Joseph said to me, "Now, I do need some help over in the convienience store. How'd that work for ya?" That'd be fine, I told him. I really just needed a few hours a week, nothing fancy. He asked me to come back into his office. I followed, assuming that I'd act interested enough to get out of there, then find some other job.

Not so fast, Brian. Joseph sat me down in a chair. He showed me the screen where he watched the security cameras, and then explained the station's scheduling procedures. Then he asked me when I could start. I dunno, Joseph. I'll be around here all summer. "How 'bout Thursday?," he asked. I jumped. Thursday would do just fine, I told him.

And that, my friends, is how a job as an Exxon station clerk attacked me from behind.

To do:
Sell 8 million books back.
Find a job.

More on life later.

The Storms Inside

I've been thinking lately about my world - my frame of mind - the space inside my head that gives context to my actions and opinions. I will attempt to define this, publicly, to help me understand myself, and perhaps to help you do the same.

Two selves

I think there are two of me - two seperate people, one of whom acts, while the other observes and reasons. The first acts without thought or inhibition, surviving on fun and compatable strong personalities. The worries roll off his back like rain. He is independent, confident, and cannot be threatened by any earthly evil. He is emotionless, except for an allegiance to boisterous laughter and excitement. This is the side of me that most often takes over - the side that most have seen.

But that person exists as a compliment, or perhaps a sedative, to the lonely and incomplete twin watching silently in the shadows. He speaks softly, and can only be heard when the noise of the former is confined. The first person exists exclusively in the company of others; the second is always present, but usually is overpowered by the glow of the former.

The latter has a voice of contemplative self-criticism. He observes the actions of his counterpart, and strives to reform his behavior. He is the responsible twin, and is made to bear the burden of emotions contrived by his brother. He alone experiences true joy and suffering, but is usually forced to hold his tongue - his counterpart will cover all wounds with confidence.

Hiding behind yourself

To be a little less obscure about it all, I feel that I'm guilty of supressing so much of myself. I'm twisted on the inside with mixed extremes of the highest bliss and the deepest pain. Daily, I am exalted to the heavens by joy, and crushed with the weight of loneliness. I fall in love, hard and often. I am sometimes enraged by bitterness. My insides scream for the telling of an unknown story.

But these things don't happen. I hide them like they were objects of shame, for fear of ruining the things I've developed through my external self. The friends, won by the confident side, are so precious, that I would do nothing to jepordize my relationships with them. And that often means doing nothing, being nothing. I rely on laughter and self confidence to make me consistent, so that my vulnerable insides aren't trampled.

The Reconciliation

There must exist a balance of the two selves - a way for the insides to make themselves known, even if in subtlety. My insides secretly enjoy the idea of being a hidden mystery - the only people to discover the inner self are those who truly seek to do so.

I'm not going to try and tell you to express youself in any certain means - like a painting, a song, or even a blog - that would be foolish of me. I just wanted to look at myself in a new light, and encourage you to do the same.

Get your insides out.

A Spiritual Condition

It's 10:30 a.m., and today has already been a time for reflection and a call to change. I led worship for the youth at FBC Waco today, so I was only at church for about an hour and a half. But in that short time, I was hit with some big points of conflict in my spiritual life. I believe these conditions to hold fairly true for a lot of college folks, so I hope you can gain something from this.

Miguided criticism

This year, I have fallen into the habit of criticizing the modern church. Many of my criticisms have been well-founded, as these things have honestly hindered me from worship. I've attempted to use humor and wit to bring light to issues in the church. I've made fun of others' uber-spiritual and evangelical practices, and I've disregarded the legitimacy of worship as bursts of emotion and musical climax. I may be correct in the things I say, but I realized this morning that something is missing.

God. In the absence of a living faith and deep conviction, criticism of the church is pure mockery. That's where I've gone. I allowed my personal spiritual life to be affected by my corporate worship experiences. I've reduced myself to ruthless destruction and bitterness. I tear down evangelicals and disregard them as fools.

My criticism has not been founded in faith - it's been founded in contempt and boredom. I've tossed God from the equation, making the battle between myself and the church. Bad move.

Will evildoers never learn - those who devour my people as men eat bread and who do not call on the Lord? There they are, overwhelmed with dread, for God is present in the company of the righteous. -Psalm 14:4-5

The necessity of community

"God is present in the company of the righteous." That line provides the salvation for the evils that precede it. I learned somthing else this morning, about the vital role played by a community of faith. This is what I've been lacking.

We learned some of this in our philosophy class the other day, but it stuck with me. This morning, it all came together.

What are we outside of a community? Inside of a community, we are individuals. We have characteristics that set us apart from others, that make us better or worse than others in some spheres - characteristics that accentuate our strengths and weaknesses, giving us purpose and helping us find our respective places. Community provides a place to identify yourself.

For want of community, I've allowed a year to slip by without finding my place. I went to church at Highland in Waco for a number of months, but I wasn't part of a community; I was part of an ocean. I served no purpose there. I learned great things from the teacher, but I had no context in which I could apply those things. Without a community, without a way to identify myself, I saw no point in pursuing faith. Thus, I have been in a desert.

But hope is coming. It's funny how I diagnosed my problem right before it was about to fix itself ... I'm starting in June at FBC Waco as a permanent member of the youth staff, teaching and leading in worship. This morning, I caught a glimpse of what my purpose will be, and I'm excited about it.

An oasis is fast approaching.